The MURDERS!
by Cyclone49
Summary: An extremely idiotic story written by me and a few others on an internet forum when I was about twelve. Only to be read when very intoxicated.


Shinkvoz VanRalli looked at the note he had received 

THE MURDERS!!!

Shinkvoz VanRalli looked at the note he had received.   
"It is time." He said to his familiar, a crow. He packed his bladed Quatrestaff, spell books and healing potions, and headed to Surrugnonville.  
  
When he finally got there, he ran into other people, who had been sent there. There was Quintin Zarraf, a Gnome Illussionist, Zhark M'klarhorn, a Fremlin Theif, Cloud Johnson, a Dwarf fighter and Charles Jansen, the infamous Gnome mass murderer! 

"Oh! My! God!" Cloud gasped, "Charles.... Jansen..... the.... mass murderer! What the hell are you doing here!"  
"Probably looking for someone to kill! HEE HEE HEE HEEEE!!" Quintin laughed! Cloud decked Quintin in the nose!  
"Hey! What did you do that for!" Quintin yelled, and he morphed in a huge dragon!  
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Cloud screamed, but then the dragon dissapeared and Quintin was standing there!  
"Hee hee hee hee heeeeeeeeee! Don't you know how good I am at illusions Dwarf boy!" Quintin chuckled!  
"Shouldn't we be doing what we came here to do?" Shinkvos muttered.  
"Um, what are we supposed to do?" Zhark asked!  
"Didn't you read the letter!" Cloud asked.  
"I'm illitirate!" said Zhark, "I live with Charlie, and he just told me we had to go to Surrugnonville! So, what do we have to do!"  
"It says we have to clear the town out of invading ochre jellies!"  
"Such an easy task!" said Cloud. "Why can't they do it themselves?"  
"Because," replied Shinkvos, "all their mages are addicted to lightning bolts, and ochre jellies divide when hit by lightning!"  
"I'm scared!" whined Zhark. "I'm only at level 4!" 

"You don't have to worry!" said Charles, "I am at Lv 8, and I am the strongest of you all! I am also eperienced in all the skills of fighters and theives!"  
"Oh yeah!" said Shinkvos, "I'm level 7, I have 4 conjuring spells, 2 summoning spells and 2 alteration spells! Plus I am profficiant with my bladed Quatrestaff, have Illusion immunity up to 2nd level and my familiar, a fairly strong crow, is skilled with the Magic Missile attack!"  
"Hmmph!" replied Quintin, "I am one of the most skilled Illusionists around, and my Alteration spells are good too! And my familiar, a level 5 toad, is great with mini daggers and Magic Missile!"  
"Guys!" said Cloud, "Shouldn't we be foccusing on the task at hand?"  
"Good point!" said Shinkvos, "But I still don't know why they sent Charles Jensen!" Charles stood up!  
"I'll tell you why!" he said, "The reason me and Zhark have been called here is we're going to conduct a mass murder operation at Sindalapydoogydoogdiputsville, but first we need to develop a strategy at Surrugnonville. We'll get lots of pay and a promotion at our guild. Would you guys like to assist us if we help you?"  
"I'll have to think about it," said Shinkvos.  
"So do I," said Cloud.  
"Well, what about you, Quintin?" asked Charles.  
Quintin shrugged and replied,

"Of course i'll do a mass murder, my whole life has been dedicated to scaring people and now i get ta kill em what a step up yyyeeeessss" then Quitin fell over and started laughing uncontrollably   
"BUT first we have to kill the orca jellies and get our amount of gold 5000 gold pieces each!" replied cloud  
"HANG ON, NO WAY, STOP RIGHT THERE!!!" said a Flaming Fist Mercenary!  
"I serve the Flaming Fist!" shouted the Flaming Fist Mercenary.  
"Aren't you supposed to be at Baldur's Gate?" asked Shinkvos.  
"Yes, but I'm here to stop you from conducting your mass murder plans!" shouted the Flaming Fist Mercenary, "Now do as I say because I AM the law!"  
Just then Charles backstabbed the Flaming Fist Mercenary and he died.  
"Um, do you know who he is and what he's doing here?" asked Cloud.  
Charles grinned and said, "Let's not worry about that. Let's get going, shall we?" 

After about 3 second they killed all 126278191817818 Ochre Jellies and set off to Sindalapydoogydoogdiputsville! 

About half way there it got dark and they set camp under a huge tree with weird vines that looked like nooses on it! As they went to sleep one of the nooses grabbed Cloud's backpack and threw it onto his face!  
"@#%$ you!" muttered Cloud in his sleep. He hit Quintin in his sleep.  
"Why'd you do that?!" replied a half-asleep Quintin. He slapped Charles in the face.  
"Damn you, fremlin!" mumbled a half-sleeping Charles, who whacked Zhark in the head. 

"What the hell!" a half-asleep Zhark yelled, and slapped Shinkvos!  
"Arrgghhh!" mumbled Shikvos, "What's going on!" He then was grabbed by one the tree's nooses!  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Shinkvos yelled, "Acid tree!"  
"What should we do!" Zhark asked.  
"We fight it!" yelled Cloud! 

Cloud went berserk (he took the "Berserker" kit) and started madly swinging his axe at the nearest target...who was Zhark, unfortunately. He wasted all his energy chasing the fremlin around. Shinkvos decided to cast a Monster Summoning I. Quintin decided to try out Polymorph Other on the tree and made the tree look like it was multiplying! The rats ran away in fear!  
"God damn you Quintin!" Shinkvos yelled, "You scared my rats! Now hurry up and actually fight the damn thing!"  
So Quintin used one of his Alteration spells, which was a fireball! it rammed into the tree creating a massive hole which started gushing out acid that evaporated when it hit the ground which then created a sort of mist which burned through EVERY noose 

"holy @#%$ am i dreaming or did quintin just do something useful?" said Shinkvos!  
"Yes, I think the retard did!" said Cloud, who had recovered after chasing Zhark! Then Charles noticed something!  
"HEY!! A ring has formed out of the acid!" he said! SUddenly all 5 were scurrunging around trying to get the ring! At the end, Zhark, the quickest go it, but was dissapointed, as it was a mages ring, so Shinkvos could keep it!  
"So, what does it do?" Quintin asked.  
"It is a ring of wizardry, and thus gives me extra spells."  
"That's it?" asked Cloud. "That's kinda boring."  
"That's not all," said an unknown voice, "it also belonged to me!"  
All five companions turned toward the speaker and saw Guntreh Zingfalifurey, the famous Paladin!  
"Holy crap!" Charles said, "A paladin!"  
"LETS GET OUTTA HERE!"Quintin yelled! Shinkvos used Melf's Acid Arrows on Guntreh and they all bolted, Shinkvos still holding the ring!  
"Damn you guys!" Guntreh staggered, "I was about to tell you I had become a fallen paladin! And that only I know how to release the rings true power which is-" then he died from the acid arrow in his heart!  
"D'oh!" Shinkvos yelled, "What do I do now?" 

"Well, judging from the fact that we met a paladin, Sindalapydoogydoogdiputsville must not be far off," said Charles, "perhaps we can find out how to release its power there."  
"But aren't we gonna kill everyone there?" asked Cloud.  
"Oops! Of course we will after," said Charles, "anyways, let's get some sleep before we head there." 

"-YYYAAAWWWWNNN-" yawned quintin "all right come on we aren't that far from Sindalapydoogydoogdiputsville we only have to walk for about half an hour and were there!" informed cloud  
  
15 minutes later  
  
"this is fuckin boring" complained quintin "i know! i'll have my familiar kick that mage's familiar's ass!!" said quintin 

"well quintin i'm sure my familiar will woop your toad and seeing as it's a crow i might have to stop it killing it to!"  
  
2 minutes later  
  
"i got 5 gp on the toad" yelled cloud 

"your on" said charles "HAVE WE GOT ANY MORE TAKERS CROW VS TOAD, NO ONE? ALL RIGHT LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!" and with that the battle began.  
"toady you know what to do if things get rough!!" yelled quintin the toad looked at him and nodded which he shouldn't have done because the fight had started and got a face full of beak as a concequence but took it well and retaliated by sending out his tongue, grabbing the crow's foot and slamming him into the ground which crippled the crow's wing 

"don't worry about it beaky just keep on fighting!" yelled the mage but the air based creature was no match for the land based creature and was soon battered and bruised 

"all right beaky do it!" yelled the mage the crow held it's wing's together and started muttering some words

"oh shit we know what he's doing don't we toady so you do it to!!" yelled quintin and so the toad stood on it's hind leg's and started muttering words too and after about 6 seconds both the small animal's let loose a magic missile both of them reached it's target and smashed into the animal's 

"BEAKY!!" 

"TOADY!!" yelled the 2 mages both the animal's were concious but the toad was the only one still able to stand "AND THE TOAD WIN'S" yelled charles.  
  
20 minutes later  
  
the party arrived in front of the city only to face an army of level 1 paladins!  
"We know you're here to kill us all, and we're here to stop you!" warned their captain.  
"What?! This operation was supposed to be top secret! How did you know about it?!" demanded Charles.  
The captain snickered and said,

"Your little Dwarf friend told us in advance!"  
"WHAT?" Charles screamed, "CLOUD YOU @#%$!!!! NOW WE HAVE TO FIGHT THESE MORONS!!!!!!!"   
"I don't know anything about this!" Cloud yelled, but then he looked at the paladins and screamed, "HOW COME YOU TOLD 'EM IT WAS ME!!" They all got ready, but as Shinkvos shoved his bladed quartrestaff into the first one it went straight through!  
"What the f*ck?" Shinkvos said!  
"HEE HEE HEE HEEEEEE!!" Quintin laughed, "That was all an illusion! I scared you didn't I!"  
"But what about Cloud saying that he did it!" Zhark asked.  
"That was an illusion of him!" Quintin said, laughing like hell! Suddenly, a large figure came up to them! It was an ogre!  
"Um, what are YOU doing here?" asked Charles.  
The ogre replied, "Me kill all people here, me get reward!"  
"Sorry, but that money will be mine, once I do in your sorry ass!" threatened Charles.  
The ogre yelled, "Me no like! Me will smash your face!" With that remark, more ogres came into the scene, and all prepared to attack the party.  
"I didn't know you had friends," said Cloud. Just then Shinkvos noticed an ogre standing behind the dwarf, ready to drop his club down.  
"Watch out, Cloud!" shouted Shinkvos. The club crashed right through Cloud's head, shaterring it!  
"Ha ha! Me kill stupid drawf!" The ogre laughed!  
"We are gonna kick your ass!" Charles yelled, and got out his sword! Shinkvos got out his Quartrestaff, and Zhark got out his daggers! Quintin made an illusion of a tree around himself!  
"We gonna beat yah ass! Huh huh huh huh huh!" The ogre leader laughed! Quintin then created an illusion of an anvil which fell on the ogre leader's head. The ogre thought it was real, so he fainted, which freaked out the other ogres.  
"Gah! He sorcerer! What we do?!" panicked one of them.  
"Hey, I'm an ILLUSIONIST, not a sorcerer!" corrected Quintin.  
"Oh, me not know that," said the ogre with a sigh of relief, "Now we charge!" 

"DO'H!" Quintin said, and quickly created an illusion of a rock falling from the sky, killing him!  
"He dead, we kill others!" an Ogre said! Then he was decapitated by Shinkvos's Quartrestaff! He then sliced up the other ogres! 

"O.K umm am i dead?" said quintin   
"hey cloud you can come out now they fell for the illusion!!" yelled shinkvos   
"phew good job quintin... now lets go do that mass murder" said cloud   
"Wait!" yelled the fallen paldin who was supposed to be dead but obviously isn't "the ring it's powers you MUST know what they are before you use it and they are to speak the magic words..." Just then five magic missiles hit the paladin and killed him (again).  
"What?! Who did that?!" screamed Shinkvos.  
A cloaked figure stepped out of the shadows and said,

"it was meeeeeeeee!"  
"Who are you?" Cloud asked.  
"I don't know! I've lost my memory!" said the mysterious person.  
"How did you lose it!" Quintin asked!  
"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!! I LOST MY MEMORY DUMBASS!" 

"So, like, what's your name?" asked Quintin.  
"How the hell am I supposed to remember?" said the mysterious person.  
"Um, okay, so how did you remember how to cast Magic Mssile?" asked Shinkvos.  
"The @#%$ I know!" yelled the mysterious person.  
"Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy...why don't you join our party and we'll help you regain your memory?" offered Quintin.  
"Er, sure," said the mysterious person.  
"Wait!" yelled Shinkvos, "you've still killed the only person who could tell us how to activate this ring! What do you have to say about it?!" The angry mage stomped up to the mysterious person and ripped off the cloak, revealinghe had nothing on underneath!  
"Oops!" Shingo said, and quickly put the guys cloak back on!Then they got to the town and started killing people! After killing everyone, the party waited in the town square until an elf rode into the town.  
"Here's for a job well done," the elf said, throwing several sacks of money to the party. He then rode away.  
"Now that we're done that, what should we do?" asked Cloud.  
"How about helping that guy regain his memory?" replied Quintin, pointing at the mysterious person. The gnome turned to the man and asked, "So, do you remember anything new?"  
"As a matter of fact, I remember my name now!" answered the man. "I'm Mack the Whipper, though you can just call me Mack."  
"So, why did you kill that paladin, and why are you here in the first place?" questioned Shinkvos.  
Mack shook his head and answered, "I still don't know that one. I don't even remember where my home is, or even who my own father is!" 

"I don't think he'd be much use!" Sinkvos said, "Lets just kill him!"  
"Okey!" everyone else agreed, and they killed him! Then they travelled to the next town, which was Halflingsville, a town full of halflings.  
"This town is @#%$," muttered Cloud, until he felt something tugging at his shirt. He turned around and saw a girl who looked like an 11 year old. "What do YOU want?!" yelled the dwarf.  
"Could you please me mister?" the girl asked with a cute Sasami-like voice (imagine her having a voice like Yokoyama Chisa).  
"Hey little girl, what can I help you with?" asked Quintin.  
"Little? Excuse me, but I'm 23 years old!" the girl exclaimed. Quintin looked at her confused, until Shinkvos nudged at him and reminded the gnome that they were in a town full of halfings.  
"Sweet, I've got a lolita complex and this cutie is perfect!" thought Quintin. "Anyways," he said, "what do you need?"  
The halfling girl replied, "My name's Masami, and my pet ferret Myo-Ohki hasn't returned home for two days. I'm worried about her. Could you help me search for her?"  
Quintin smiled warmly, and looked at the faces of his companions. Shinkvos and Zhark didn't seem to have any objection, but his smile suddenly went crooked after seeing Cloud frowning and Charles looking annoyed.  
"Pretty please?" asked Masami.  
Quintin then replied,

"Sure thing, but ya have to be my sex slave!"   
"OKEY!" Masami replied! And they went to the nearest cave to look for Myo-Oki! 

"By the way, I'm a level 5 thief with a bounter hunter kit, and I'm good at setting traps!" mentioned Masami.  
"How many thieves do we need?" asked Zhark.  
"Setting traps, hmph! I'm good at sticking a dagger up your a-" started Charles, but was smacked on the head by Shinkvos.  
"Keep quiet, and maybe we'll hear some noises," said the wizard.  
"Hmph. I think I'll leave the party after this adventure," said Charles.  
Cloud looked down and saw some paws on the ground. "Hey, does anyone know what kind of tracks are these?" he asked.  
"I dunno. There aren't any rangers in our party," replied Shinkvos.  
Just then Zhark looked ahead and saw something. "Guys, I think we've just found what those tracks belong to," he said nervously. Everyone looked forward to see it was the fallen paladin. 

"the ring what it does is it summons a dragon once a week and it can only be worn by mages jesus christ stop trying to kill me fuckin hell!!" then he stumbled off mumbling 

"stupid... ring... fuckin christ..." but he'd only just dissapered into the darkness when they heard him scream and out came a Roc holding the fallen paladin in it's talons!  
"Tseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr!!!" the Roc screeched(i have been reading Animorphs WAAYYYY too much!) and it ripped off the fallen paladin's head! Suddenly, a person who looked a lot like Super Saiyin Gohan appeared!  
"YOU HAVE KILLED THE MIGHTY FALLEN PALADIN, MURK! YOU WIL PAY FOR MURK'S DEATH!" he boomed, and the Roc exploded! Then the guy with the booming voice looked at the others!  
"FOR TRYING TO KILL MURK YOU WILL ALL GET A PUNISHMENT OF HAVING TO FIGHT A DEMON!" The Gohan lookalike summoned a Hezrou Tanar'ri from the Abyss and ran deeper into the cave.  
"At this rate, I don't think Myo-ohki would have come here," said Shinkvos.  
"What are we going to do?" asked Masami. 

"Lets go kill people!" Charles said! SO they went and killed people! But seriously, there weren't any people around to kill, other than the Hezrou. So everyone foolishly charged at the tanar'ri, who effortlessly ripped them all to shreds.  
  
THE END 

What did you think? Send any flames, complements or death threats to cyclone_49@yahoo.com! Also, visit

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